Success is Trending

As I was growing up, my parents urged me to study harder. “Just be financially independent. I don’t want you to be a career-driven girl.”, my mother would remind me. She was worried if I got trapped in a bad marriage, I should have the financial stability to take my stand. She was also concerned about my wishes after marriage. She would say that although she earned but she gave all her earnings to my grandmother, who was very loving and gave everything to my mother before she even asked. That is mainly because she never asked. But my mother lived this pain of not being able to buy even trinkets when her peers could buy expensive saris and jewelry. She thought that my financial independence would let me fulfill my wishes.

She never desired me to be successful. In fact, she was very clear that I should not be successful. I should just be able to get by. Because I am a girl, you know. I have to get married and be a mother. Here, she set the bar very high. She trained me to be the best daughter-in-law and a self-sacrificing mother.

However, my commitment to my professional degree gave me a different perspective on my life. I worked and it got appreciated. This new found confidence in my skills encouraged me to walk on a path of creativity. My father used to say, do whatever you wish to do. But be the best in what you do. I found this desire to be the best at whatever I did. At some point, I was actually quite good.

My cousins and peers had the desire to be successful, which I could never develop. So, even today I am not successful but I am good at what I do. Success never attracted me.

However, success has become quite popular. Today, many people are discussing it. Successful people are talking about their success. They are not sharing success stories. They are telling you that they are successful. They are successful in spite of their educational failures.

This is new to me. I wonder what is the meaning of success for an academic who does not read well or write well. I found that a government job that pays well is the definition of success for an academic. Then I hear stories of humiliation by the hands of these successful people. I wonder what is this kind of success that is not creatively satisfying, that leaves you with a strange emptiness, which is filled by arrogance and violence.

Money and domination are the two ingredients of success. We got this definition of success from the colonial rule. We saw their success in the form of their ability to dominate us and acquire riches. This idea of success is not new. Empires were built and conquered for it. What is new is that my friend, my brother, my peer wants to be successful and dominate the world.

Can you see the implication of this success in our world today? Is this why grand old wisdom tried to show us the difference between happiness and success?

Happiness is so tacky and low standard. Success is trending.

 

Time

In one of our conversations before marriage, my husband said, “Relax. We all have a lot of time. We have to live a long life. It is not time that is less.”

His tone was so peaceful. His expression was so calming. I believed him. He believes in it too. He is never in a hurry. He works at his pace. He loves his work. He loves himself. He has a strong sense of ownership towards his work. He keeps re-doing it until he is convinced with it. Once, convinced, he looks at it admirably.

In case you are wondering, my husband is an artist. He paints. Water-colour is his preferred medium. From him, I am learning to do one thing at a time. Give it my best and keep at it till it is not the best I could do. From him, I am learning to understand time. I am learning to observe my pace. Most importantly, I am learning to understand myself.

Time is never less. We are not giving it its due. Every moment needs to be lived to the fullest. It should not be rushed or passed. I have to learn to make every moment my moment. It comes from a sense of security and calmness. The world I live in is one of my making. The time that I live is also of my making. Looking back, I should be able to say how well I have lived every moment of my time. I remember each moment touching me and leaving me.

Pleasure does not come Easy

I used to wonder when some writers said that their urge to write is so great and intense that they can’t sleep, eat or drink. A writer can write in the middle of a party. If you don’t have such an urge you are not a writer.
Experiencing such an urgency is essential to be a writer. However, this urgency is nurtured. No one is born with it. What we often struggle with is to nurture this urgency.
To be a writer, one has to live the life of a writer. You know when you are living that life. You know it because then you breathe it. You obsess about writing. You think about it all the time. Your mind stays engaged endlessly with developing just one idea. The idea that emerged as a tiny dot. You build it into a thread. The longer the thread gets the more it occupies you. Once you have entangled it, you know it is times to write.
A writer is constantly moving from this state of disequilibrium to equilibrium. Reading makes this engagement finer and nuanced. That’s when the fun really begins.
You eat, sleep and drink your writing.
Achieving this stage is no fun at all. You need to really focus and become it- your writing. You have to identify with it so strongly that it becomes you.
It requires an uncluttered and meditative mind.
Pleasure does not come easy in writing.

Be the Change you Want to See in the World

Yes, we have all heard it. Mahatma Gandhi said it and advocated it. I have thought about it many times.
Now, I seem to grasp it a little. Just follow your heart or your truth. It will never lie to you. It will never suggest you to harm anyone. That is a huge change to make in your self, especially when the world is going a slightly different way. It does make you feel like a lone warrior. Sometimes, one feels cornered too for saying what they think is right. Especially, when the wrong doer is an authority figure. While your peers are afraid to even show support towards you, you have to stand up for yourself and be on the side of right.
Now, I realize this is satyagraha. A non-violent protest, where you are just trying to be yourself even when others are not in agreement. Following my heart has had a strangely calming effect one me. I feel it is so because I am not longer repressing my wishes and emotions. I feel free. It is also strengthening my will and desire to listen to self. With this, I am becoming more accepting, open and non-violent towards myself.
Instead of focusing on the person who is hurting me, I am learning to focus on strengthening my will, my intellect and my body.
This is the change I want to see in them too. Once they learn to find their inner strength and follow their heart, they will become non-violent.

When we make them learn helplessness

In a school, after a long conversation where I mainly asked questions, the teachers finally asked me something.

“Madam, can I also ask something?” said Lakshmi a teacher in a private school.

“Yes please do so…we are talking ….” I said to encourage her to talk.

“There are some children about whom I am never sure how to deal even though I have been working as a teacher for more than 8 years.”

“Hmmm….hmmmm…”

“There is this one girl and one boy in my class who never speak, even when I talk to them specifically taking their name. They just lower their head never make eye contact. They are both unable to write or read anything. I just feel so frustrated and sad that I don’t know how to help them.”

This reminded me about Khushi in my class who was also very much like this. She always sits on the first bench, yet it took me two-three days to notice her. She is so silent that she sometimes becomes invisible in the class. She also takes many leaves. She mostly sits with her head down not talking with anybody. To keep herself engaged she often tries to complete her notebook work. In my class I like to give each child chance so I often go from child to child and ask everybody to add something to the topic being discussed, whenever we reach Khushi the discussion comes to a stand still. Other children start getting irritated and start telling, “Mam, she wouldn’t speak, she never speaks, she doesn’t know anything.” It is a difficult time for a teacher, you want to give this child time to speak, but too much time may mean torture for her and boredom for others. You want to stop all the other children from saying these hurtful things yet not make this child too dependent on yourself.

With Lakshmi madam, I discussed a little bit about these two children’s home background and kept comparing notes about Khushi and I came to the conclusion that all these three children seem to be victims of learned helplessness.

What is learned helplessness?

Learned helplessness is a state of mind where the individual starts feeling that nothing that she will do will have an impact on the negative situation that she is in. This happens after a long time spent in a situation where the individual is placed in negative situations…..and efforts made by her seem to be futile.

Lets take an example of a woman in an abusive marriage, in the beginning every time she experiences domestic violence she talks to her family members but all she gets from them is a baseless assurance of how things will improve gradually and how as a woman she should adjust with the situation that she is in. She then tries to revert to the strategy of fighting back, which leads to even more thrashing. She then has a baby and starts feeling that she is tied to this setting and cannot go anywhere….that’s when it is possible that she may stop retaliating totally and may bear everything silently.

Another example of learned helplessness which leads to child abuse is when the parents learn that nothing they do will make the child stop crying and they just let the child be.

In school setting we often see those children who fall in a complex situation of constant negative feedback from teachers and parents go into a learned identity of being helpless in changing their situation. Often siblings imitate what the parents say and do and peers imitate what the teachers say and do thus completing the circle of negative feedback for the child. Such children gradually stop making an effort to learn. They may not always the silent ones but may also be the extremely boisterous never listening type as in both situations they are not ready to engage with you or make an effort to learn as they have learned that this will not lead to anything.

In the next post we will discuss what can be some of the intervention strategies in such cases. If you know of a similar situation do share with us.